Category: Parenting

This is a current look inside my head on Christmas Eve.

Preparing for the family’s annual summer vacation focuses my mind on the importance of having family traditions.

Traditions can be daily, weekly, yearly, or longer. We all have daily traditions that we take for granted. Do you wake your kids up the same way every day? Do you put them to sleep in the same manner? Is there a special game you play on the car ride to school? These routines help define our relationship to our children and to the world itself.

One of our family’s weekly traditions is letting both kids eat Friday night dinner in front of the television. Yes, for all of you Screen Time Police Officers out there, you read that correctly, in front of the television. Even further, there’s very little communication that happens besides delivering and replenishing food and drinks. The adults sit off to the side and have “adult” conversation while the toddlers take in the newest Paw Patrol while shoveling a week’s worth of leftovers into their mouths. Judge away.

Traditions can help teach children and others about religious practices as well as pass down behaviors specific to one’s culture. They can also help mark seasonality, which becomes super helpful when living in a place where the weather stays the same throughout the year. Or, traditions can just be a time when mom and dad recover from a long week, and the kids get to ease into their weekend doing something they desperately want to do.

“Hank, why do you drink? Hank, why do you roll smoke? Why must you live out the songs that you wrote? Over and over, everybody met my prediction. So if I get stoned, I’m just carryin’ on an old family tradition.”– Hank Williams Jr.

What traditions do you and your family practice? Are they positive or negative? Are you mindful of them and their impact?

Traditions can also be the suck-o-licious kind, like, packing for a family of four to be away from home for a week, which is what I need to get back to doing.

William Klug Ph.D., an Engineering Professor at UCLA, was murdered on Wednesday June 1, 2016. There are several apparent motives, including a poor grade received by the shooter. Professor Klug’s death was one of only 27 gun fatalities on that day; however, his death hit home in a particularly personal way. We had several mutual friends who were impacted. Also, my wife is a professor, and meeting with disgruntled students is a common occurrence in her job. This is also true for most of our closest friends and neighbors.

Given how often my loved ones find themselves in similar situations as Professor Klug, one might expect another post about the state of guns in America. But, this will be about the other “g” word that Americans have become obsessed with— grades.

In this era of Common Core, it’s worth noting that standardized schooling is a relatively new concept in human history. Horace Mann has long been lauded as the person who implemented a consistent learning experience throughout the United States in the early 1800’s. But, it was Henry Ford’s miraculous assembly line and the industrial revolution that followed that necessitated training millions of workers who could stand in line, follow directions, and perform mind-numbing work for eight to twelve hours a day.

The groundwork was laid. Standardized factories meant standardized schools. The playbook for success was passed down from generation to generation, “Get good grades in school and you’ll get into a good college. Get good grades in college and you’ll get a good job. Get a good job and you’ll be happy.” The lesson was simple, good grades unlocked the Industrial Era’s playbook.

While this scenario worked well during the 1800’s and 1900’s, it fails to produce the desired results in today’s economic climate. In case you haven’t noticed, the internet has ushered in the Information Era where manufacturing jobs are done by the lowest bidder (usually an impoverished person from another country), and a person’s economic worth is largely based on their intellectual output.

The traits, or “soft skills” (creativity, autonomy, teamwork, and project management) needed to navigate this new landscape often can’t be found in our archaic standardized school system. We see the evidence of this all around us, yet many parents only shrug because they feel helpless against the behemoth that is the American educational system.

While the problems and potential solutions to a nationwide educational system are above my paygrade, I know that parents can have an immediate impact on this situation by stressing learning over grades. Instilling a pliable mindset where lifelong learning is the goal, and not good grades at all costs, will help your child to be a high-functioning member of today’s economy, but also in an ever changing one.

Even though he doesn’t start formal school for two more years, the pressure for good grades has already started for my oldest child, and I take daily action to stop this negative mental encroachment. The last interaction I have with him before tucking him in at night, is asking him two questions. What did you do today that was the most fun? And, what was one thing you learned or one skill you improved?

The answers to the questions aren’t important, my repetition is. The nightly subliminal message that he receives before going to sleep is to focus on something fun, and that learning and improving are the true goals.

We live in a hyper competitive school district where the good grade rivalries started in my child’s preschool room for one year olds. Throughout preschool events, when parents talked to me about their child’s milestones, I would see the stress in their facial muscles. They were already convinced that their two year old (Da Da want wa-wa.) was doomed to a life of failure, while some other toddler (Daddy can I have some water?) is obviously destined to be the next CEO of JP Morgan Chase.

The first few times parents cornered me and asked about our parenting techniques caught me by complete surprise. My common retort of “You know he still poops in his pants? Right?” always seemed to leave their thirst for knowledge unquenched.

Whoever’s child eventually gets that dream job of the future, they’ll get there without any talk of their grades. Oh, there will be talks, many that they won’t enjoy. There will be lessons about responsibility, hard work, commitment, planning, executing, failing, marketing, finance, logistics, and how to be a good teammate, coworker, and manager, and thousands of other topics. But, no one will quiz them about their grades.

I find a deep sadness in the loss of a life over something as insignificant as grades. Put simply, at a certain point in one’s life, grades don’t matter—at all.

How can I be so certain of this with only anecdotal evidence?

I’m in my early 40’s, and for the past two decades I’ve had millions of conversations with friends, family, employers, and colleagues on topics ranging from happiness to death. Further, with the advent of the internet, I’ve witnessed millions of social interactions by friends and complete strangers.  In that time, I’ve seen countless arguments, memes, political debates, pictures of Halloween costumes, and cat videos. But, I haven’t seen one post about someone’s grades (who wasn’t actively in school). Not one.

So, as parents, if we want to instill a new playbook that will help our children thrive and maximize their happiness, focus your message on learning, not grades.

The nation’s thoughts, prayers, and well wishes are with the family of Professor Klug, as are mine.